Vegeta's Sucky Fanfic
by Konoha Ninja 123
Summary: Vegeta is frustrated about his terrible attempt at writing a story, so Bulma gives him some pointers on how to write an "awesome" fanfic.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This just came to me for some strange reason, probably because we've all been there, used it, and read that. Fess up.

Anyone catch the movie line I ripped off? ;)

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I don't want to own DBZ. I just like to harass the characters now and then.

* * *

"Damn it! What do I have to do, give myself reviews?" Vegeta whined, shoving his laptop aside.

"What's the matter, Honey?" Bulma asked, looking up from the blueprints she was working on.

"Nobody reviews my story," Vegeta continued to whine. "I get hits and lots of people favorite me and sign up for alerts, but nobody reviews. Why not?"

Bulma leaned on one elbow and looked at him pointedly. "Well, you have to make sure you write an awesome story, so no matter how good it is or how bad it sucks, it's bound to get reviews."

Vegeta looked at her as if she had three heads. "Come again?"

Bulma sighed. "Okay, first off, you have to have a catchy screen name, like 'Blue Haired Sex Kitten' or something like that-"

"Oh my god, you're 'Blue Haired Sex Kitten'?" Vegeta practically screamed. "You never told me that!"

Damn. Cat was out of the bag. "That's beside the point," Bulma interrupted, attempting to steer the conversation back to his problem.

"But your stories are so... so... raunchy and explicit," Vegeta raved. "I'm married to 'Blue Haired Sex Kitten'. _Sweet_." He leaned back in his seat. "By the way, I'm expecting what you wrote about in your last chapter of-"

"Okay, do you want my advice or not?" Bulma interrupted again.

"Yes, please," Vegeta responded meekly, but the wheels in his head were definitely turning.

"Okay, not only do you have to have a catchy screen name, but a good title and summary. Make it something that interests people enough that they'll want to read it without giving too much away."

"Hold on, I'm gonna write this down." Vegeta grabbed a piece of paper and a pen. "Good... title... and... summary. Got it."

"All right. Now, your characters have to be absolutely perfect in every physical sense. The men must have absolutely godlike bodies and the women must be petite little twigs while managing to be voluptuous in all the right places. This, of course, is all 100% natural for either sex."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"I didn't make up the characters, I just write about them. Besides, nothing about your story is supposed to be realistic. Anyway, the characters must also be so attractive that even complete strangers must have them, and either highly intelligent or dumb as rocks. You pick," Bulma continued.

Vegeta continued to scribble madly. "Okay, what else?"

"Your story will have a hero and a heroine, no matter what genre you decide to write about. The heroine oftentimes has a cheating and most likely abusive boyfriend. She should either cheat back with the hero, or the boyfriend will dump her and either way she'll end up running full force into the arms of the hero," Bulma explained in a remarkably rational way. "You can even feel free to incorporate a character who's exactly like you even though they're not you. This person always falls in love with the opposite hero or heroine, who falls madly in love with this perfect, beautiful individual in return." She grinned at her husband. "You're really taking notes?"

"Oh yeah. I'm writing this down. This is good stuff."

"What next... oh right. As long as we're on relationships, you must always have at least one gratuitous sex scene per story if it's short, or preferably several for a longer story. This will happen regardless of whether or not the characters like or hate each other. All they do is have sex, sex, and more sex. You can't have too much sex in a story. The more explicit the better, especially if you have no concept of what you're talking about. But it's not a big deal, because no one ever catches on." Bulma took a good gulp of her coffee.

Vegeta paused. "How do you spell 'gratuitous'? And what the hell does it mean?"

Bulma beamed at him. "That's the beauty of it, Vegeta. You don't have to spell check anything or worry about grammar at all! Don't bother re-reading anything to look for glaring errors or ask someone else to beta for you. This is especially the case if you're not writing in your first language. Also, make sure your chapters are extremely short, no more than a few dozen words. That way, people will have to wait longer for more chapters. But, if your story is awesome enough, no one will notice any of these annoying little things!"

"Sweet." Vegeta looked up from his notes. "Anything else?"

"Hmmm... oh! If one of the characters is kidnapped and taken to another planet, that's awesome," Bulma assured him, "especially if that person is sold into slavery to the royal household. This alien race always hates humans, but the ruler and/or the heir will without fail take an active interest in the slave. This being the case, the slave feels comfortable enough to continually mouth off to the ruler, who, despite having the power and authority to immediately kill said slave for their insolence, never does, so it's perfectly acceptable to mouth off whenever possible. This is because the ruler and/or heir always falls in love with him or her, and must have the slave. Usually the kidnapped person in this scenario is the heroine and the either ruler or heir is the hero. Conversely," Bulma continued, hardly taking a breath between thoughts, "if it's the hero who is kidnapped, he'll be used for evil purposes, probably something involving torture and abuse."

"Wow. That's pretty deep." He thought about how he could incorporate any of this into his own sucky story.

"I'm not done yet," Bulma informed him.

Vegeta's eyebrow rose. "There's more?"

"Of course! Let's see... all female characters should cry once in a while. That's a given. Male characters don't unless they're in private and no one sees. Of course, both of them are hurting inside, but it'll always end up happily ever after. Don't forget the happily ever after. What else... oh. Try messing with the characters' ages. You know, like them growing up together. That's soooo cute, especially if they're going to school together, or the heroine actually goes to another planet as a little girl and gets to visit the ruler's heir in the palace. I just love all of those stories."

"Oh. I guess so." Vegeta sounded rather skeptical about the cuteness factor.

"Hey, if you write anything right, nothing's ever overused," Bulma insisted. "That reminds me, going back to the gratuitous sex scenes, the women always have to be bent in some impossible position, moan, and have perky nipples. The men must always have an insanely oversized, throbbing and glistening 'member', 'rod', or 'shaft'," she explained, using the "quote" gesture with her fingers for each descriptive term. "Oh, and always rename all of the body parts. You know, the heroine doesn't have 'large blue eyes', she has 'enormous cerulean orbs'. Her breasts are always 'mounds', too." She grinned at her husband again. "Are you okay?"

Vegeta looked flushed and sweaty. "Yeah... I'm just thinking too much on that part, and your last chapter of-"

"Any other questions, or have I rambled on long enough?" Bulma asked, her eyebrow rising.

A smirk spread over Vegeta's face. "I think I have enough material to work with," he assured her. "For now, though, how about I introduce my gargantuan staff to your tight crevice?" he purred.

"You're definitely catching on, Vegeta," Bulma told him with a giggle as he led her to their room for the umpteenth time that day.

Thank goodness he wasn't acting the least bit out of character.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Surprise! Another sucky chapter! Go Vegeta, go Vegeta...

Thanks to all of you who left reviews and encouraged me to write more. Special thanks go to both Infinite Pen and X's For Eyes for their hilarious ideas. Some of it was so awesome (pun intended) that I incorporated bits of what they wrote. I love it. You two rock. :)

That having been said, enjoy another installment of this OOC, truly sucky fanfic.

Note: I had to mess up the website address you'll see here, or else it wouldn't show up. Sorry.

Disclaimer: I don't own DBZ. I don't want to own DBZ. I just like to harass the characters now and then.

_He licked his lips and leered as her creamy white ti-_

Backspace, backspace. Bulma would get after him if he was vulgar. He blushed. As if writing this wasn't?

_...mounds were exposed. They were like big, round..._ He paused. _...bags of sand. That..._ He paused again. This was proving to be much harder than he thought it would. Uhh... Ah, yes. That would do nicely.

_...yielded to his touch, like a burlap sack of potatoes slouched on its side in the back of a pickup truck. Except there were nipples on them. And they were very perky._

Vegeta ran a hand through his hair and rested his elbow against the table. He growled. This was asinine. Creamy white mounds? Ugh! He shuddered. During further conversation Bulma had specifically noted that as a beneficial phrase to use when he wrote his sex scene. She also said he should warn his readers that he was writing... damn, what did she call it? It was a fruit, if he remembered correctly. An orange! That was it. He couldn't believe that he had to write this "orange" garbage to get reviews, but Bulma had assured him that his fic would totally suck if he didn't. How could that be? It would totally suck if he _did_.

He'd incorporated the male lead being reunited with his lost love (double ugh) after many long, agonizing years apart (vomit) because she'd been sucked through a mysterious vortex and ended up in an alternate universe. Somehow they were able to communicate with each other as they dreamed even though they'd hated each other at first, argued constantly, and did things to annoy each other. It was only after she was gone that he'd realized how much she'd truly meant to him and what a babe she really was, because she had nice mounds and shiny azure orbs that replicated the light of the stars at night. Due to some inexplicable circumstance that didn't really make sense but ended up working somehow, she was able to return to him, after which he broke down and cried, confessing his feelings for her. She'd told him she felt the same way, and somehow they ended up in the master bedroom of his palace. It was horrific, but if it got him reviews, what the hell? Besides, Bulma would be proud of his efforts. The only thing he had flatly refused to do was add song lyrics. A man had to draw the line somewhere.

This was stupid. He was tempted to just stop there with a precipice dangler and let the readers guess what would happen next. After all, it wasn't as if they hadn't all read hundreds of these oranges. He simply couldn't force himself to write any more of this utter crap. This was what females wrote! If they wanted soap opera Fabio fantasy refuse they could write it themselves! "Enough of this," he growled under his breath. "I'm a male, so I'm writing a guy fic!"

_She moaned and positioned her perfect body. "Superion, mount me now!" she demanded. "I'll die if you don't do it immediately, because you have the body of a god and if I can't have you my life will be agonizing."_

Vegeta shuddered, disgusted not only by the dialogue but by the fact that he could actually write such awful- I mean, awesome- tripe. At least he'd gotten to the good part, which was just as well since he figured if he wrote any more of this crap he'd end up growing lusciously voluptuous creamy white mounds himself.

_Just as he was about to insert his massive shaft into her steaming hot love pit which overflowed with her juices, there was a crash as the window broke. "Rakakot! My mortal enemy!" Superion roared, leaping up from the woman, who was shrieking incessantly as all females deprived of mating do. "I will destroy you once and for all!"_

Cackling as he did so, Vegeta proceeded to write an explicitly gruesome, bloody and accurate in every corporal sense battle scene where Superion, the Ultimate Warrior Prince of the Universe (TM) swiftly defeated Rakakot and his minions, hanging their ugly heads upon spikes for all to see. The female simpered and declared him to be perfect in every aspect. Then it was implied in less than a dozen words that something happened in the bedroom that did not include anyone dying.

Pleased with himself, Vegeta went to the top of the document and wrote a note warning readers of the insertion of the orange and demanding reviews. He saved his work and posted it to complete_fan_drivel._crap before closing the laptop and going to train.

***

Vegeta returned a few hours later and logged in to see if he'd gotten any reviews for his new chapter. Imagine his surprise when he found that he'd already gotten five! He eagerly clicked on the link, ready to read raving reviews on the absolute awesomeness of his latest chapter.

_rockemsockemdude_

_dude this rox lol writ more he shoduld totelly nale her nekxs time_

"See? I knew my chapter was awesome," Vegeta gloated. Feeling empowered, he moved on to the next review.

_MacGruberLuva_

_Buddy, to put it bluntly, this sucks. Give it up, dork._

Vegeta blinked. "What?!?" he roared. "I did everything Bulma told me to! My story is awesome. He's the dork."

_anonymous_

_This is so bad, I can't even bother to waste my time logging in. Thanks for the headache._

Vegeta's face fell. "What did I do wrong?" he whined. Bulma had never given him bad advice before.

He was almost afraid to look at the next review when his eyes widened. _Bulma_ had left him a review!

_Blue Haired Sex Kitten_

_Wow. I don't know what to say. Uhm... did you hear anything I told you? And by the way, it's a lemon, not an orange. Yikes._

Vegeta realized his lower lip was wobbling and stopped it. She'd flamed him. His beautiful, loyal wife, of all people, had flamed him. He'd have a talk with her, that much was certain. He sighed. At least she'd attempted to be kind about it. It would have been humiliating if she'd crucified him online.

For the sake of his sanity and the continued existence of the planet Earth in general, he should never have read the last review.

_ScaredZFighter_

_Holy **, what planet did you learn to write on? Your grammar totally sucks! And that sex scene was rushed. The female lead should have teased the male lead for at least another 15 to 20 chapters before she gives in and the sex should last for like 5 hours before they climax! (And as a reminder the female lead should not get pregnant right away, even though they don't use protection or birth control as he constantly spills himself in her over and over.) So what do YOU do just before you write the "orange"? (hahaha, what a jackass) You wimp out and write a battle scene, chicken liver! bwak bwak bwak! If anyone wants to read a real LEMON, check out my latest story, Superion's Victory Ride, where this idiot's character gets a dose of fanfiction reality. Oh, and BTW, Superion is from the Transformers, you numbnuts! Couldn't you come up with an original character name?_

Vegeta was practically foaming at the mouth when he was done reading the review. If he knew who this loser was, he'd... he'd... Wait.

ScaredZFighter?

A slow smirk spread over Vegeta's face. He recognized the pen name, all right. Talk about idiotic. The moron had not only signed in, he'd signed his death warrant. Oh yeah, Yamcha would be scared as well as scarred when Vegeta was done with him.

Before he could go find the weakling warrior who didn't even know how to spell 'scarred', curiosity got the best of Vegeta and he couldn't help but download the story. So, Yamcha was going to steal his OC and write a story? It had better not be OOC, or he'd get an even bigger beating.

"What the?!^!!!" came the outraged scream from the kitchen not even five minutes later. Vegeta had just discovered that Rakakot was not dead after all and that he and Superion, the Ultimate Warrior Prince of the Universe (TM), were now passionate lovers instead of mortal enemies. In fact, Rakakot was now expecting Superion's love children (triplets). It made sense seeing as they were from the same planet; why not continue on their dwindling race? A summertime barefoot on the beach wedding was planned, where Superion would be wearing a lovely pink shirt. Vegeta leapt up from his chair, the vein in his forehead pulsing rapidly. The weakling had gone too far. He had created a mockery of his Superion, absolutely desecrated him! Superion was a powerful warrior, not a flower girl! And to top it off, the story had gotten numerous reviews declaring it to be awesome. Blood would be spilled. Not even Bulma would be able to talk him out of it.

***

_A few hours prior..._

Piccolo leaned back in his seat, hands behind his head as he let out a satisfied sigh. This would be the last time the jerk would blow off their sparring plans to go out with some dumb blonde. Piccolo got up, made a few macho man moves with corresponding ninja noises and poured himself a scotch on the rocks while he waited for the fireworks to start.

Unfortunately for Yamcha, he didn't know that Piccolo was very well aware of his complete_fan_drivel._crap password.


End file.
